New comic is finally on digital computery pixels. Apologize in advance to those with handheld devices capable of internets for the size of the file, but maybe they are getting stronger, and their death grip around your enslaved hands strengthens. Buzz buzz! Pick me up you insignificant fool, engage in the world when I command you to! I’ve just seen Lord of the Rings for the millionth time: the correlations between iPhone and the plantirs Sauron used to corrupt Saruman and the steward of Gondor are uncanny.

I saw the Hobbit in 3D.

Up until now I had always been able to clearly read the line of smallest letters at the bottom of any eye test. However, the Hobbit made me doubt my own eyes. I couldn’t see anything.

I’m not going to pretend that I know how that tech works, but it appeared to do this: When you look at a landscape, any landscape, with say, a river snaking up through a mountain valley, your eyes can pick where they want to illuminate. If you study the river water, the mountain and its details fuzz out. If you study the mountain peak, the foreground trees and river fuzz out. With the 3D, it appeared that the digital effects team were forcefully deciding which part of the image on screen I should be focusing on, and blurring out everything else. They were not just directing my eye by controlling the exact window of vision (i.e. the camera shot) but they were being my eye. Like some ADD parrot…

“Squawk – Look at this! Look at this! Look at his nose! Now to Gandalf, forget the right of the screen, it’s not important…”

I doubted my eyes because whenever I looked at what I wanted to look at, say a nice little background or a skirmish off centre, the 3D blurred it out. The thing is, my eyes are good, if I wanted to look at that part, they would’ve adjusted and it would’ve come into focus. Instead I’m given the illusion that I have vision impairment, because despite my eyes doing their thing, it stayed blurry.

Despite being blind the entire time I enjoyed the film. It was paced well and had everything you’d want in a Middle earth adventure.

WTF Mountain golems. Trolls that support Chelsea football club. A band of characters so numerous that the script writer probably wanted to exhume Tolkein and punch him in the face. Goblin King that supports Chelsea football club. Some random pale Orc that put his hand up and said “I’ll be antagonist for this one!” To which Smaug and Sauron decided to hit the pub. A necromancer that made anyone who had played fantasy RPG video games laugh (clearly a low level enemy). A brown wizard who hangs out with Ewoks and Jar Jar binks in his spare time. An awesome Gollum scene. Ring Wraiths, when Bilbo put on the ring, had this conversation whilst at the Mordor pub, “Hey, isn’t that the ring?” “No, no, I mean yes,” “Can’t be stuffed ay”  “we could just not tell him…” “sweet” “another round?” And Elves, who talk dramatically and do little.