I can head shot an enemy alien from 300 meters away. In a video game. I managed to head shot my own father from 20 meters away. In a paintball game.

The beauty of the shot was indescribable, but I’ll try. I held the gun in one outstretched arm, like a gunslinger in a classic Western. With one delicate squeeze of the trigger the gun spluttered a metallic belch. Out like a green comet sped the paintball. With Federer like top spin it arced magnificently up to the left, then down to the right until BLAT! His mask visor became a green rectangle with efficiency akin to the Photoshop paint bucket tool. With shock and disbelief my father stumbled forward, held up his hand, and jogged back to the Medical Centre in shame. One shot. One kill.

Afterwards I wondered, did my video game skills really translate into this wonderful moment? I probably wouldn’t have attempted the shot if I hadn’t enacted it in pixel form 10,000 times. I had given me the belief. Had it given me, as the meme in the previous post says, ‘great reflexes?’

If so then I ought to have kicked ass like Rambo. However I didn’t. In truth, being hit by paintballs sucks. They never strike you in the proper area, the chest shot. No, they hit you on the pinky finger, which is one of 5 square centimeters of flesh exposed. They hit you on the mouth of your mask, which reveals the culinary horribleness of paintball paint. They hit you on the neck, below you mask and above your overalls. They hit you on the ass, in your hair, on both testicles and the tip of your dick. My friend William hit a chick on the nipple. Also, your opponent ‘friends’ are so shit scared when they see you they don’t fire a single shot. No, they fire their entire god damn ammo storage at you, even though you’ve raised your hand to signal ‘yeah you got me,’ and they keep firing until you look like a frigging Jackson Pollock painting. ‘Aw sorry bro, didn’t see your hand.’

‘Nah that’s no problem bro. Psssst. Hey Supervisor, you wouldn’t happen to have an actual AK47 lying around would you?’

Clearly paintball reveals that video games give you nothing. No way are you going to run in and shoot the entire opposition with flawless skill. No way are you going to exit this cover and stop peeking your gun up over it, firing shots blindly at no-one. And if you run out of ammo, you will damn well surrender.

Advertisements